The following are actual messages sent to women on dating apps. Hey.......Heeeey......Heey......Hey?......Hi! I'm six feet and I don't care! I like biiiirds I just got my license back gurl, where can I pick you up? I tend to be dominant and enjoy pushing my partner to cum extremely hard using a powerful vibrator while she's bound. I want to go down on you no questions asked I'm in an open relationship with little girls My faith allows me to receive blow jobs or do butt stuff, you're in luck. Yo fuck your flat face Are you even worth the drive to fuck? I mean, I just want a friend that I can cum all over Hey girl, who's your gynecologist? Cause I want to lick his fingers! You like dark chocolate, and I like white So we'd have to agree on milk chocolate Or I don't see this going anywhere, going anywhere

Chorus Don’t Touch My Butt x4 Verse 1 Don’t give it a smack Don’t give it a pinch And if you play nice You can give it a sniff Don’t give it a slap Don’t give it a tap Please don’t stick your finger inside my crack Chorus Don’t Touch My Butt x4 Verse 2 I know its squishy And its plump I know its round Oh and it makes such cool sounds Chorus Don’t Touch My Butt x4 Bridge I know its hairy And kind of scary But darling, you know these cheeks are real Guitar Solo Vamp Here, I vamp about not touching people and the importance of consent. My language is clean and I use such words as fanny and tushy Chorus Don’t Touch My Butt x8

You used me up and you threw me out Like a tissue full of cum We didn’t even last as long As the flavor in your gum But those days were just as fun As the good part of being drunk I was your (I was your boy) Boy of the week Our courtship died faster Than my phone’s battery Never though we’d so worse than Belushi’s sobriety Yet our breakup felt longer Than a line at the DMV I was your (I was your boy) Boy of the week In the beginning there was promise All signs were pointing up Like my dick When we were in bed We could not get enough Then suddenly our love’s empty Just like my bank account I was your (I was your boy) I was your (I was your boy) Boy of the week The agony’s so bad I have to drown it in bourbon I’d rather sit through an entire Catholic sermon Or let Edward Scissor Hands give me a hand job Or lick the floor of a frat house Or take a calculus class at 8am on a Friday Or drink Pepsi instead of Coke

I accidently emailed my entire family A picture of my erect penis Instead of my cat Yogi I don’t know how I got them so confused My mother replied, “Oh that’s cute 😊” With a smile emoji My grandmother said it was the same size As when she last changed me My father cried, I taught you better than that Always shave so it looks bigger than that My cousin Becky message me A picture of her twat So now we bang every Tuesday night In the Walmart parking lot She stuck her finger up my butt! She asked first….Consent was given! I don’t know how I got them so confused I don’t know how I got them so confused Cause they look nothing alike Just give it a thought My cat is big and black and fat And well, my dick is not Alright everybody, we’re gonna sing about How we learned a lesson from my misfortune Are you ready? Here we go.. Always Double Check your work Always Double Check (it continues to repeat through the end) Vamp: Did you start your facebook post with the phrase “Im not a racist but..”? Well, you better double check because its probably racist Did you get a new nipple ring? And you want to send a picture to your bestie on snapchat? Well, you better double check before you send it to everybody on your contacts list Cause you know that ex-boyfriend’s on there, and he’s not quite over you yet Oh, and that creepy guy at work, you know, the one that already stares at you way too long You don’t want to know what he’s gonna do with that Always Double Check your work Always Double Check Always Double Check your work Always Double Check my friends

I’ve got the blues today Some bad news came my way The doctor called to say My girl gave me VD Imagine my surprise when he told me I’m dating a door knob Everybody gets a turn She said she didn’t get it from Mike Or Billy or Joey or Paul And she didn’t get it from anyone here Cause she’d never fuck you all Blow Job, Rim Job, Sloppy hand job Yeah she craves for more She’s a big Connoisseur Blow Job, Rim Job, Sloppy hand job Yeah she craves for more She’s a big Connoisseur I don’t care, how much my heart hurts I just want my dick to work My girlfriend gave me VD Oh no I hope my wife doesn’t find out! Shit! Blow Job, Rim Job, Sloppy hand job Yeah she craves for more She’s a big Connoisseur Blow Job, Rim Job, Sloppy hand job Yeah she prays for more She’s a dick Connoisseur Guitar Solo Blow Job, Rim Job, Sloppy hand job Yeah she craves for more She’s a big Connoisseur Blow Job, Rim Job, Sloppy hand job Yeah she prays for more She’s a dick Connoisseur Blow Job, Rim Job, Sloppy hand job Yeah she craves for more She’s a big Connoisseur Blow Job, Rim Job, Sloppy hand job Yeah she prays for more She’s a dick Connoisseur

I got the call today, that made my heart sink I’m losing my friend I thought of the good times we had And all the smiles and laughs I’m losing my friend With benefits She’s found someone new She’s taking it seriously, so no more sex for me No more backrubs, or friendly tugs on my Appendage Im losing my friend With benefits I don’t recognize her now She’s saying things like, “I can’t I gotta be loyal to my boyfriend” I just want my friend back Im losing my friend With benefits She still wants to talk on the phone at night And tell me all of her problems And that used to be okay Cause I’d just gotten laid And made a mess on the duvet But now im losing my friend With benefits X6